Isabella's Birthday

Reflections written on my daughter's birthday last year:

Sunday, May 22, 2005
The Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity

06:30

Today my little daughter Isabella is two years old. I thank God for entrusting this beautiful little girl into my care, and I pray that He gives me the grace to be the father Isabella needs me to be. I sipped my coffee and read today's first reading from Exodus: "Early in the morning Moses went up Mount Sinai," and I thought of Cross Mountain in Medjugorje and I thought of the Third Secret of Fatima, of our daily struggle of conversion...

[time to get ready for Mass]

Tuesday, May 24

...Over 15 years ago, I climbed Mount Humphrey in northern Arizona. The summit is around 13,000 feet. At that time in my life, I was living a secular and sinful life. I had pretty much rejected the Christian faith I had been brought up to believe in, and I had embraced the lies of the world. This spirit of relativism and secular humanism which tells us that we don't need God and to trust in our own abilities, to decide for ourselves what is right and wrong. The problem with this is that no one seems to agree on what is right and wrong. The problem with trusting in yourself is that it is easy to confuse what is right with what looks appealing. One can rationalize just about anything. So I was living for myself. I was concerned only with my own happiness and didn't feel I owed anyone anything. In retrospect, I can see how this was part of my struggle of conversion. This is the same struggle that Adam and Eve faced, the same struggle that every man and woman has faced every day since then: the daily struggle of choosing to follow our own selfish desires or choosing to follow God and do what is right, even if it isn't always fun, even if we sometimes don't understand. Even if it is sometimes painful...

"Early in the morning Moses went up Mount Sinai."

My journey up Mount Humphrey began when my girlfriend and I decided we wanted to climb it. So we packed up some camping gear one weekend and headed north. We left the bright lights and tall buildings, the expensive homes and fancy cars, (and the not so expensive homes and the beat up old junkers), the restaurants, bars, theaters and massage parlors, the bookstores and the car dealerships, the busy streets and the pollution and noise, all the hustle and bustle of civilization, and we headed into the wilderness. It took some time just to get out of the city, fighting the heavy Friday afternoon traffic, with everyone rushing about, eager to leave their hectic work week behind and begin their weekends jam-packed full of entertainment and fun. But soon enough, we left the city behind and drove into the desert. We went northward, climbing steadily. That night, we camped in the forest at an elevation of around 9000 feet.

"Early in the morning Moses went up Mount Sinai."

Early the next morning we began hiking up the mountain. It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining with only scattered clouds in a clear blue sky. My girlfriend and I were alone in the forest. At first, the trail was well worn and not too difficult. At times we chatted, but mostly we just walked, keeping a brisk pace, intent on our goal of reaching the summit. For a long time, we were unable to see the mountain top -- all we could see were the trees of the forest. The two of us seemed to be alone on the mountain. As we climbed higher the mountain became steeper. All at once, the trees ended and above us we saw grass- covered slopes. When we had climbed above the tree line, we turned around to see an incredible vista. We could see for miles and miles in the clear, clean air. It was truly incredible! Next, the grassy slope gave way to large, jumbled black rocks, and the climbing became much more challenging. We had to carefully choose each step, paying close attention so as not to fall or step into a crack and break an ankle. The climbing on the approach to the summit was the steepest and most difficult. At the top, we met other climbers who had come up the other side of the mountain. Someone had brought along a bottle of champagne to celebrate, and we toasted our success. I stood on top of the mountain and turned to look in every direction. The view was indescribable! We had been there only a few minutes when we noticed dark clouds rolling in. Hail stones began to fall, and lightening flashed all around us. We came down off the mountain.

Most of us don't live on mountaintops where we can see for incredible distances; most of us live in the valleys, and often we can't see beyond the business (busy-ness) of our own personal lives...

Friday, May 27

...Our struggle of daily conversion is like climbing a mountain, the Mountain of God, and it is so very hard to see the Truth when we are surrounded by a world of lies. We who live in the 21st century United States live in a secular and highly technological society. We enjoy a prosperity that most of the world can only dream about. Every day we are blasted with messages supporting our materialistic lifestyle. My little children watch their kids shows on TV, and when the commercials come on I hear them say, "I want that. I want that." And we adults are no better. We want our boats, motorcycles, campers and vacation homes. We tell ourselves, "All I need is a new car or a bigger house, and then I'll be happy." We complain that we don't get paid enough. We put ourselves into debt, and then we complain that, "We just can't seem to get ahead."

And materialism isn't the only lie. Only yesterday, I heard a man speak about lies. This was an intelligent man, a world class scientist who worked in aviation development. He shared how as a young man in the university, he was taught that belief in a Creator was not compatible with science, and he shared how this had caused him to lose his faith. Another lie -- this message that we should trust in science and our technology, that through our own efforts we can solve all the world's problems, that there is no God...

If we are so focused on our work and on our play that there isn't time to think to climb up onto the rooftops and to peer through the smog of the busy-ness and noise of the cities in which we live and to gaze into the distance beyond, then how can we see the mountains in the distance? So perhaps the first step is recognizing that there is actually a mountain to be climbed, in seeing through this construction of the busy pursuit of material things and achievement and entertainment that is our personal lives.

Tuesday, May 31
The Feast of the Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary

"Early in the morning Moses went up Mount Sinai."

I started this letter over a week ago, on my little daughter's birthday, and when I read the first scripture reading on that Sunday morning, the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity, I thought of the mountains in our lives and of my own struggle of conversion. I thought of how God can bring good out of any situation. In my own life, out of the waywardness and arrogance of my youth, He led me to faith; and out of the depths of the most incredible grief after the death of my son, He entrusted the care of a precious little girl to me and Liane.

Yesterday, I read the words of Sister Emmanuel Maillard, words which echoed my own thoughts, spoken the day after Isabella's birthday: "People just want to feel good, and that is wrong. That is not the Gospel. We have got to find Jesus and be holy." Surely, the Holy Spirit is shouting this message to all the world, for all who have ears to hear!

We have to see through the struggle within ourselves, through our own selfish desires. And we have to see through the busy-ness and noise of the world, through the materialism and relativism. Just as the ancient Israelites wandered in the desert in their sin and wickedness, so too are we wandering in a modern desert of sin and wickedness and lies. And if we choose, we can see through the lies and glimpse the Truth. Like Moses, we can see that the Lord is, "a merciful and gracious God, slow to anger, and rich in kindness and fidelity." And if we glimpse this Truth, we can decide to climb the Mountain of God. There may be times when we cannot see the mountain, but we trust that it is there. Some days, the climb will be steep, and we may wonder if we will ever make it. The higher we go, the tougher the climb; but the higher we go, the farther and more clearly we can see!

When I stood on the summit of Mount Humphrey many years ago, I gazed into unknown distances and witnessed the awesome and fearful fury of nature. Now my soul has glimpsed the power and glory of the Mighty God who by His Word created all that I beheld, and all that I did not...

This morning at Mass, I reflected on the fact that even though I have been given graces, even though I have been granted some small insights, even though I want so much to do God's will and it seems I have climbed so far, still there are days when I stumble and fall. And I realized that it is when we stumble and fall that we truly understand how very much we need the good and merciful God!

In the second reading on Isabella's birthday, in 2 Corinthians, we are instructed to "live in peace" and to "encourage one another." And that is why I am writing these words to you, my friends, in the hope that they will give you encouragement. My friend, Saint Therese, the Little Flower, taught me about "spiritual charity." If we are given some small insight or grace, it belongs to the Holy Spirit. They are meant for all.

Lord God, You are great and merciful.
We need your mercy O God!
Do not let us be a "stiff-necked" people.
Help us, O God, to see through the lies of this world.
Help us to see Your Truth!
Fill us with Your Light.
Fill us with Your Truth.
Fill us with Your Peace.
Have mercy on us, O Lord,
Have mercy on us.

Teach us to praise You, O Lord.
Praise You Jesus!
My Lord and my God!
Praise You Jesus!

Teach us to love, O God.
Teach us to know what it means
to believe in the name of the only Son of God --
teach us to live our faith.

Give us the Grace, O God, to keep Your commandments.
Give us charitable hearts.
Give us the Grace to turn away from evil.
Give us contrite hearts.
Give us the Grace, O God,
to give up everything and to follow You.

Give us the Grace to bear fruit.

Give us the Grace to be fervent in spirit,
rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, and persevere in prayer.
Give us the Grace to forgive,
so that we may be forgiven.
Give us the faith of a mustard seed!
Give us the faith to move mountains!

Help us, O God, to see through the lies of this world.
Help us, O God, to see how very, very much we need you!
Help us to see Your Truth, O God!
Help us to climb your mountain, O God!

In the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit,
Amen.